How to Win a War
by Arcadia Jones
Summary: A prompt from the ME kinkmeme. Based off of Joker's comment on "teaching the Reapers how to love." Rated for language


(R1) _There is an incoming message from the organic fleet. Should I patch it through?_

(R2) _Probably another pathetic appeal for mercy. Go ahead. Maybe this one will cry like the last one._

The comm channels switched over so the entirety of the Reaper fleet would be able to hear the call. Truly, the organics' feeble attempts at trying to garner mercy from their attackers were a good source of entertainment. After all, chasing the helpless creatures through the streets and laughing at their helplessness was beginning to lose its humorous edge.

(R1) _Speak._

"Hey there, guys. My name is Commander Shepard, and I have a few things I think you all need to hear."

(R2) _This oughta be good. Steve? Hey, Steve! Tune into channel 96. You don't want to miss this._

"You're doing a lot of bad stuff, guys. Destroying planets, abducting people, tearing people apart…abducting the pieces... That's not the behavior of a normal, healthy individual."

(R2) _Is she serious?_

"I think it's time we get to the bottom of this. Now tell me, when was the last time someone told you that you're special? Be honest now."

(R2) _Seriously, what is—_

(Steve) _Hush! I'm trying to listen!_

"It's been a while, hasn't it? I imagine this makes you feel, well…a little sad, doesn't it?"

(Steve) _You know, I…I kind of…_

(R2) _Steve, stop now._

"That's a normal feeling. We all get a little sad sometimes. And we all get a little mad sometimes. Even I have, on occasion, felt like using my giant death-ray as some terrible retribution against the world. But then I stop, and I think: will killing all of these stupid ess-oh-bees really make me feel better? Will it really help me heal?"

(R1) _Damn it, people! Which moron dropped the 'enhancement gas' canister on this organic's planet?_

(R2) _Which one is that again? The purple one?_

(R1) _What? Purple? We don't see colors—_

(R2) _EXACTLY. So don't give me your shit about the canisters. Either start labeling the canisters or stop leaving your dope next to the others. …You'd think with all of our collective knowledge based over countless millennia, we could do some proper FUCKING organization around this place._

(R1) _Geez, chill dude. No need to get all 'Sovereign' on me._

(Steve) _It's like…like…she's speaking to _me.

(R2) _Shut up, Steve._

"The answer to that question is another question: is the slight satisfaction of using our planets as parts of a pinball machine worth all the sadness? The sadness within us, but also…the sadness within you."

(Steve) _I can feel it! I can feel the sadness in me!_

(R1&R2) _Shut up, Steve!_

"There's an easy way to get rid of that sadness. Look deep within and find that sadness—like a black ball of frowny faces."

(Steve) _I have it, Shepard!_

(R1) _Seriously, why do we hang out with this guy?_

(R2) _Wife's sister's husband…it's a long story._

"Now I want you to take that ball—and spit it out! Just let all of it out! Make sure not a single frowny face is left!"

(Steve) _[Gagging sounds.]_

(R2) _Steve? What the fuck are you doing?_

(Steve) _I'm—blrrg—getting all the-glrrrrg—frowny faces out!_

(R1) _Seriously, you need to get a divorce._

"Once you do that, I want you to look around and find all the little smiley butterflies around you and eat them up!"

(R1) _Hey, what—OH! GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME!_

(R2) _STEVE! NO!_

"Take them all in. Now…step back and take a look at yourself. Notice all the sadness is gone now?"

(Steve) _Yeeeessss…_

(R2) _[Sobbing] Oh no, oh buddy, why…_

"Do you feel that warm glow in your chest?"

(Steve) _It's so warm…_

(R1) _T-tell…my wife…_

(R2) _She knows!_

"That's the warm glow of love. Embrace it. The more smiley butterflies you have, the greater the love gets. All we need is love. All we need is love."

(Steve) _Loooooove!_

(R2) _AHHHHH!_

The _Normandy's _crew watched the events unfold in awe. Shepard shut down their comm link, smugly satisfied. She turned to look at Joker; once he met her gaze—mouth open and eyes wide—she held out a hand, palm-up.

"Pay. Up."

"I…honestly can't believe what I just witnessed. Did you…just…"

"Taught a Reaper to love. Yep. That is why you know owe me fifty bucks and your hat."

He surrendered the requested items silently. Shepard flipped the hat onto her own head as she sauntered out of the cockpit. As she passed Traynor, Shepard paused:

"Oh, and call Hackett on the vid comm. Tell him I just won this fucking war."

Truly, a goddess walked among them. Shepard took their awe in stride as she proudly marched down the hallway.

Joker just sat back in his chair, slowly shaking his head. Finally, he looked over at EDI.

"If Shepard comes back and tells me she figured out time travel too, throw me out of the airlock."

EDI considered the request for a moment, then nodded.

"As you say, Jeff."


End file.
